Dreamer and idealism, both things just like post letter and stamp. Every dreamer has their own ideas of what kind of idealism they'll develop. Then comes reality, acted as filters to every idealism that has been used. Sometimes, it's just too much, beyond our expectations. It erased all of the idealism that we've built.
At this point, desperation probably becomes the best thing to describe what happened to me. Seems like, I am not suitable for this world, that all I can do is make mistake by mistake. And why would a person like me deserved to live though? I prefer the best answer is I should've died many years ago.
I was a dreamer, an optimistic person who's always looking forward to every chance that available in life. I dreamed up to the highest skies that no one can ever see. The path was so clear, no one should interrupt, that was I thought. Before I reached the peak, thousands of arrows arrived from any directions.
I fell, not to the nearest cloud, not to the peak of another mountain, but straight forward smashed the valley of emptiness. Leaving me with one question that will haunt me for the rest of my life. For what purpose was all of my actions?
I was a fool...
I should have stopped from a long time ago, instead, I decided to keep take steps forward with the result of my defeat awaits me.
If I could turn back time, I will fix every mistake that I have made. But that's just an impossible hope or merely a delusion.
I should've forgiven myself, but the question that came from the moment I lose, always says the opposite. Then until now, it's always become a battle between me and my past. Year by year, month by month, day by day, it never ends.
I'll probably become a mad man.
Was it all my fault?
Should I keep walking in this harmful life?
04 May 2020
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